Yo! What’s up Docs? Yeah, you phizzyshuns at that venereal disease study center, the Center for Disease Control! Understand that some dimbulbs in Congress are beginning to show glimmering signs of light. Perhaps some more of your inattentiveness to national health matters is in order, and the anthrax thing will shut down that body of dimwitted socialists for another few days giving the people of America some more temporary freedom!

The DC Dimbulbs still owe you a debt of gratitude for your memorable achievements and great contributions to the Hypocritical Oath! And that would be your outstanding discovery of that most dangerous of diseases, death-by-bullets! Your extensive research and dedication to medical science fostered by your intellectual matriarch, Rosie O’Donnell, author and leading practitioner of the Oath, led to your astonishing discovery and isolation of an American standard household implement as the disease-causing culprit: the firearm!

Of course, other organizations have paved the way for your discovery: The Violence Policy Center, the Million Mommies, Handgun Control Corp., The Brady Bunch for This, That and the Other Thing in Opposition to the Dead White Guys, and many other such great socialist service institutions. But of course, these organizations struggle having only a modicum of funding, as they are only 501 [c] [3] tax exempt organizations. On the other hand, your Big Government caring, compassionate and dedicated public service institution is fully taxpayer funded! In fact, your agency comes under the purview of the executive branch’s Health and Human Services Department of the Federal Government.

Considering the awesome support of taxpayer funding instead of mere tax exempt status as in the cases of the private sector organizations, we are fortunate that the leading spreader of the disease, the NRA, is neither taxpayer supported nor tax-exempt!

I’m exceptionally proud as an all-American red, white and blue peacock, regarding the great accomplishments you have brought forth in the past. Take for example your astute handling of yet another dangerous disease: a strain of hantavirus. As reported by Joe Stephens and Valerie Strauss in The Washington Post Online in their February 2, 2000 article, your agency localized the cause of the death of a long-distance runner and her boyfriend five days afterward. Your adherence to dedicated research evidenced itself once again when appearing before the Dimbulbs [Congress] you appealed for funding to help solve this singular isolated case. You were right to change priorities!

According to Stephens and Strauss, Congress granted up to $7.5 million a year to fight this disease. Why wasn’t it used for more practical research, such as breast or cervical cancer, which are much more common in women than an exotic rarely seen disease such as this?

But undaunted, you took the money and did the right thing! Quoting from the Post article: "Instead, apparently without asking Congress, the CDC spent much of the money on other programs that the agency thought needed the funds more, interviews and documents show. One official said the total diverted is almost impossible to trace because of CDC bookkeeping practices, but he estimated the diversions involved several million dollars."

And then a little later in the article: "While there was no suggestion that the money was stolen or used illegally, Sen. Harry M. Reid [D-Nev.] in November [1999] asked the Justice Department [Reno?] to investigate whether the agency had violated laws against lying to Congress." Why didn’t Reid look into Clinton’s diversion of funds at Department of Defense that went for research of women’s diseases instead of our unneeded and useless military? This is not to say that there isn’t a need for this research, but why is it coming out of the appropriation for defense? I’m glad the Post clarified things: "In the aftermath, the CDC promised to restore lost funds and apologized for ‘a breach of CDC’s solemn trust.’"

And I want everyone to know what a great job you phizzyshuns did forcing parents of normal healthy babies to inoculate them with Hepatitis B vaccine, killing some infants that were perfectly healthy and in no other way at risk! It’s encouraging to see agencies of government work so well together, especially yours and the Food and Drug Administration, which reports that 25,000 and counting adverse reactions to Hepatitis B vaccine have occurred resulting in 1,400 known deaths!

Libertarians have the nerve to say: "Government doesn’t work." The Postmaster General offered that he relied on "assurances" from "… the best source [CDC] of medical advice" concerning the anthrax terror. I am feeling better already!

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