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To Wit
Colin McEnroe
Finishing Touches
Substitute House Bill 8,311
Strike everything after the enacting clause,
plus the state and federal Constitutions, the Magna Carta, the
Golden Rule, the Prime Directive from "Star Trek," the Code of
Hammurabi, the infield fly rule, the Hippocratic Oath and substitute
the following in lieu thereof:
Section 1. (NEW) (Effective after we count to ten) As used in this
act:
(1) All subsections will be sub-section (1).
(1) "Public health emergency" means an occurrence or imminent threat
of a communicable disease, including but not limited to the
following circumstances:
A. Warts and boils.
B. Locusts that fly up your nose.
C. Pox.
D. Invisible beasts that drag you into the night. (Really,
seriously, we know this kid, and it happened at his camp in, like,
Maine.)
E. Fever in the morning and fever all through the night.
F. Contaminated monkeys.
(1) "Respondent" means any person ordered to respond.
(1) "Quarantine" means the physical separation and confinement of a
person or group who are infected with a disease or who are known or
suspected to have had sex with a bowler.
(1) "Lalalalalala" means "I love you."
Section 2. (NEW) (Effective immediately after the ball is snapped,
within five yards of scrimmage.) (a) In the event of a public health
emergency, the Governor may do any of the following: (1) Implement
all or part of the public health emergency response plan pursuant to
section 5 of this act. (2) Yell "Emergency!" (3) Gas up those CRRA
SUVs and do some bigtime looting. (4) Activate the Al Terzi Robots.
(5) Flee to Block Island, scan the obit page every day and wait for
things to die down.
(b) Any declaration issued by the Governor pursuant to this act must
be filed with the Secretary of State. The declaration shall state
the nature of the emergency, the names of the cronies and lobbyists
who requested it, the likely duration of the emergency, the time and
place of the post-emergency party and whether you have to bring
anything to it.
(c) Any such declaration by the Governor can be overturned by the
legislature, in a vote of ¾ of 5/11 of its membership, if half the
M&Ms are green, 1/5 of them are brown and the remainder are red.
Said vote can overturn the Governor only if (1) the Governor does
not know what he is talking about, (2) the Governor knows what he is
talking about but nobody else does (3) the Governor is a rhinoceros
and this somehow has escaped everyone's attention. (See Chalmers v.
Missouri, 1966, U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals.)
Section 3. Pursuant to this act, the Governor may order general
vaccination of the population. (a) Persons who object to being
vaccinated will be vaccinated first because it's more fun to do
them. (b) Persons who seek exemption from vaccination by applying to
a probate judge within 48 hours of notification will be vaccinated
twice, quarantined, taken out of quarantine, vaccinated again and
re-quarantined. (c) Persons who continue to complain about any of
the above will be given wedgies by the National Guard.
Section 4. Satisfaction of any of the requirements and conditions of
this act, no matter how tenuous, shall constitute reasons for
shutting down the roads and cordoning off entire towns. Cordoning
off of said towns shall be done by persons driving jeeps and wearing
helmets. Order in said towns shall be maintained using the Invisible
Patriot Code of Loyalty and Discipline. The Pledge of Allegiance
will be recited every morning, and "In God We Trust" will be posted
in every public school classroom. How do you think we got to this
point with the contaminated monkeys and the warts and boils? By
getting away from bedrock American values, that's how.
Section 5. You bet there's a section 5. We saw you looking down here
to check. We have an emergency public health plan, too. We have
flashing lights and protective visors. We have everything it takes
to maintain order, and this time we're going to do it, before you
can say "Alan Dershowitz."
Section 6. Everything in this act is for your own good. Remember one
thing when we're injecting you with a vaccine that was considered
experimental until the crisis began and you're kicking and hollering
about Jehovah and we're holding you down: This hurts us a lot more
than it's hurting you.
Section 7. Not really.
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