Special Parent Assistance and
Resource Center - SUPPORT Page
A Father's Perspective by Robert Evans
When my son B was first diagnosed with
having autism many emotions and thoughts ran through me. The strongest among
them was loss; a hole in my heart for all the things he would never do, be
or enjoy. In a very strange way, it was as if someone had died - and perhaps
they did - my "normal" little boy and the typical hopes for the future were
certainly no more. In their place were sobering predictions about future
outcomes, a family in crisis and a darkened tomorrow. Many months ran
together in a dark, almost gothic movie in my head. I expected to wake up
from this nightmare - but it kept on continuing - affecting how I felt about
our family, our future and life in general.
I am a fighter by nature; it is hardwired in to my brain. After a brief
period of mourning I went about applying the full force of my intellect and
tenacity to whoever stood in the way - teachers, child study teams, gawkers
in public places and the rest of the world in general. My wife, who never
gave herself the luxury of mourning and being inactive, was the general in
our war to "save" B. I was more like the marines; storming the beaches and
securing the victories, which the General said, had to be won in the early
going.
You never win this war - but you can have a lot of victories along the way.
If you pile up enough victories; your child "may" just approach the level of
hopes and dreams you originally set for him. This is the best you can hope
for - there is no cure - and even this lofty status requires many battle
scars. Under the direction of our General, we ended up here - the promised
land of sorts - for parents with autistic children. However, we really paid
the tolls for this success - which exacted a heavy price on our marriage,
our family, our sense of self and even our health during this difficult
time.
We are in a new, better place in all these areas now - years from the
original diagnosis. My wife and I are closer than ever, our family hums
along with the chaotic joy brought about by a loving environment, Michelle
and I have taken control of our personal and professional lives and
determined we would look and feel the best we possibly could. I had dinner
with her and another couple just the other night. I recall looking at her
all through the evening and thinking how fortunate I was that this
beautiful, elegant creature - smiling and confident - would be coming home
with me. She was the most fabulous woman in the room - and there were many
others - but none could even come close to her.
Which leads me to a final reflection on all of what we have been through
together. If I had to do it all over again, I would have been more involved
in the very early strategic decisions. Even though we have been so blessed
by B's success, the "General" paid a heavy price for directing this war. She
suffered through depression, anxiety, low self-esteem and a myriad of other
injurious conditions for years after we first heard the sad news. Perhaps
some of it was unavoidable - and everyone's situation is different. However,
while I had the security of knowing which beach to land on she had to
wrestle with the more difficult questions of if we should be on this beach
or the next one. She counted on me early on for the muscle and she was the
engineer. Unfortunately, these are life-changing decisions from which the
engineer faces demons of self-doubt and second-guessing. The muscle can
relax when its work is done until it is needed again. The engineer must live
with her decisions - forever.
I do not believe it is a coincidence that we now share both the muscle and
general roles and as a couple and family are supremely well adjusted.
Michelle can be as tough as 100 Marines and I can be as calculating as Perry
Mason in the last five minutes of his show. We share the roles - and the
responsibility - more evenly. Michelle is still the expert, but we make more
decisions jointly because she has educated me and I have stepped up to the
plate. It is too easy to let your significant other handle the decisions and
deal with the fallout. This goes beyond traditional issues within child
rearing and the subsequent roles - no one is prepared for this - so be
prepared to assist the general from day one. I believe in doing so, you will
lesson the awful burden placed on your wife. The father needs to make clear
these are our children, our decisions and OUR consequences. Thus, the
success - or lack of success - is shared as well. No one person should have
to hold up under that kind of pressure - it's just not fair.
As I write this Valentine's Day is coming up. My wife and I are married 11
years and I can proudly say that I am married to my best friend - and one of
the most beautiful, elegant and engaging women anywhere. I would match her
up against any starlet or demi-god. She can meet them on looks, beat them on
style and crush them on character. I would be lying if I said it was like
this every day for 11 years; but it is now and we have had a lot more good
than bad days. Perhaps that is what you, as a husband, gain as a prize in
the end if you hang in and do the right thing. You wind up with a person who
is closer than ever and whom you respect and admire more than you thought
possible. When all is said and done I have two heroes in my life - based on
their courage and will to live life - my wife Michelle and my son B. Two of
the most glorious people ever put on God's earth.
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MATERIAL CONTAINED, PRESENTED, OR PROVIDED HERE IS FOR GENERAL INFORMATION
PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT TO BE CONSTRUED AS REFLECTING THE KNOWLEDGE OR OPINIONS
OF THE PUBLISHER, AND IS NOT TO BE CONSTRUED OR INTENDED AS PROVIDING MEDICAL OR
LEGAL ADVICE. THE DECISION WHETHER OR NOT TO VACCINATE IS AN IMPORTANT AND
COMPLEX ISSUE AND SHOULD BE MADE BY YOU, AND YOU ALONE, IN CONSULTATION WITH
YOUR HEALTH CARE PROVIDER.
"A foolish faith in authority is the worst enemy of truth."
-- Albert Einstein, letter to a friend, 1901
"I know of no safe depository of the ultimate powers of the society but the people themselves, and if we think them not enlightened enough to exercise control with a wholesome discretion, the remedy is not to take it from them, but to inform their discretion by education."
-- Thomas Jefferson, letter to William C. Jarvis, September 28, 1820
"What's the point of vaccination if it doesn't protect you from the unvaccinated?"
-- Sandy Gottstein
"Who gets to decide what the greater good is and how many will be sacrificed to it?"
