A Father's Perspective

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A Father's Perspective by Robert Evans

When my son B was first diagnosed with having autism many emotions and thoughts ran through me. The strongest among them was loss; a hole in my heart for all the things he would never do, be or enjoy. In a very strange way, it was as if someone had died - and perhaps they did - my "normal" little boy and the typical hopes for the future were certainly no more. In their place were sobering predictions about future outcomes, a family in crisis and a darkened tomorrow. Many months ran together in a dark, almost gothic movie in my head. I expected to wake up from this nightmare - but it kept on continuing - affecting how I felt about our family, our future and life in general.

I am a fighter by nature; it is hardwired in to my brain. After a brief period of mourning I went about applying the full force of my intellect and tenacity to whoever stood in the way - teachers, child study teams, gawkers in public places and the rest of the world in general. My wife, who never gave herself the luxury of mourning and being inactive, was the general in our war to "save" B. I was more like the marines; storming the beaches and securing the victories, which the General said, had to be won in the early going.

You never win this war - but you can have a lot of victories along the way. If you pile up enough victories; your child "may" just approach the level of hopes and dreams you originally set for him. This is the best you can hope for - there is no cure - and even this lofty status requires many battle scars. Under the direction of our General, we ended up here - the promised land of sorts - for parents with autistic children. However, we really paid the tolls for this success - which exacted a heavy price on our marriage, our family, our sense of self and even our health during this difficult time.

We are in a new, better place in all these areas now - years from the original diagnosis. My wife and I are closer than ever, our family hums along with the chaotic joy brought about by a loving environment, Michelle and I have taken control of our personal and professional lives and determined we would look and feel the best we possibly could. I had dinner with her and another couple just the other night. I recall looking at her all through the evening and thinking how fortunate I was that this beautiful, elegant creature - smiling and confident - would be coming home with me. She was the most fabulous woman in the room - and there were many others - but none could even come close to her.

Which leads me to a final reflection on all of what we have been through together. If I had to do it all over again, I would have been more involved in the very early strategic decisions. Even though we have been so blessed by B's success, the "General" paid a heavy price for directing this war. She suffered through depression, anxiety, low self-esteem and a myriad of other injurious conditions for years after we first heard the sad news. Perhaps some of it was unavoidable - and everyone's situation is different. However, while I had the security of knowing which beach to land on she had to wrestle with the more difficult questions of if we should be on this beach or the next one. She counted on me early on for the muscle and she was the engineer. Unfortunately, these are life-changing decisions from which the engineer faces demons of self-doubt and second-guessing. The muscle can relax when its work is done until it is needed again. The engineer must live with her decisions - forever.

I do not believe it is a coincidence that we now share both the muscle and general roles and as a couple and family are supremely well adjusted. Michelle can be as tough as 100 Marines and I can be as calculating as Perry Mason in the last five minutes of his show. We share the roles - and the responsibility - more evenly. Michelle is still the expert, but we make more decisions jointly because she has educated me and I have stepped up to the plate. It is too easy to let your significant other handle the decisions and deal with the fallout. This goes beyond traditional issues within child rearing and the subsequent roles - no one is prepared for this - so be prepared to assist the general from day one. I believe in doing so, you will lesson the awful burden placed on your wife. The father needs to make clear these are our children, our decisions and OUR consequences. Thus, the success - or lack of success - is shared as well. No one person should have to hold up under that kind of pressure - it's just not fair.

As I write this Valentine's Day is coming up. My wife and I are married 11 years and I can proudly say that I am married to my best friend - and one of the most beautiful, elegant and engaging women anywhere. I would match her up against any starlet or demi-god. She can meet them on looks, beat them on style and crush them on character. I would be lying if I said it was like this every day for 11 years; but it is now and we have had a lot more good than bad days. Perhaps that is what you, as a husband, gain as a prize in the end if you hang in and do the right thing. You wind up with a person who is closer than ever and whom you respect and admire more than you thought possible. When all is said and done I have two heroes in my life - based on their courage and will to live life - my wife Michelle and my son B. Two of the most glorious people ever put on God's earth.

© Robert Evans 2002

More articles!

Denial - And Coming To Terms With My ASD (Autistic Spectrum Disorder) Child

Caring For The Caregiver

My Mother's Day Present

Welcome To The Zoo! How Raising A Child With ASD Has Changed My Life

A Father's Perspective by Robert Evans

To contact SPARC: Email Michelle Evans and Debbie Brown at: sparcofbc@yahoo.com

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